Time
by J.Jenningsaus
Summary: Time- They say time and space can heal everything. Maybe , Maybe not , it helps but you will always know that it happen or that they're gone. Life Loss and Love , dealing with it together helps you through
1. Chapter 1

**Heys Guys ,So this story is very personal , it the only way I can cope and as some of you may know that this is my story my life. This all happened last october so its still fresh. Some of you know the details some of you may not. If you want the story of my miscarriage with Ben check out my story My Little Rookie.**

**Special thank you to Bailey bhargrovee who has been my wall of strengh through this time and who proof read this chapter, Natasha natasha_mary1 who was the first person I told she calmed me down enough so I didn't crash and crumble. And a special thank you to You for reading this story , such as life - this story isn't finished hoping to finish up the second and third chapter within this month**

**I hope you like it and please review**

Time- They say time and space can heal everything. Maybe , Maybe not , it helps but you will always know that it happen or that they're gone.

My world ended only 6 months after we lost our son Ben, it was 2 days before my 29th birthday, 18 weeks into my third pregnancy. Sam and I had gotten engaged the day before Sam's 37 birthday and our daughter Stella had only turned 2 in July, I was on bed rest after having a stressful week at work, Nick made me lunch as he had the day off all week ; I had felt something wasn't right. Even from the early days before I was rookie, I was told to trust my gut. Stella was over at Sarah's while Sam was at work and he would pick her up when he was done. I had told Sam during the week something was off and wasn't right. He told me he would be ok and safe ,but we still watched each other while we worked so we could make sure we were both safe, but today I couldn't sit still. I never really could but Nick put it down to me going crazy on bedrest. It had been 4 days and I just wanted to get out and work again but I knew it wouldn't happen anytime soon. We spent the day talking about my upcoming wedding. Nick was my best mate, after Traci and Sam that is. After the 6 months undercover together everyone knew we were close. Nick was just about to go to get food for dinner as he because in this big house with us , so did Gail, Chris, Dov, and now even Traci and Leo do now since the loss of Jerry; she couldn't keep living in the house herself and Jerry bought. Sam offer her a room because with 16 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms over 4.5 floors there was more then enough room. Its like the Brady Bunch, but we couldn't have it another way anymore.

Sam had just sent me a text , " Hey A just on my way to pick up stel be home in 20 mins. , S."

I didn't bother to reply as I knew he was driving and he had a long shift. It was 4pm now so I yelled out to Nick that Sam and Stel will be home in 20mins. He said he would wait until they got home and then head out.

Waiting for them to get home time slowed down, right down.

4.05, I yelled out for Nick as I throw up for the 3rd time today

4.10, Nick helped me get changed and sat me on the deck to get fresh air before he cleaned up the living room

4.15 My heart dropped, I knew something wasn't right. Everything in my world stopped moving, even Baby Rookie.

4.45 I realized Sam wasn't home yet. I got up to get a class of water and phone to call him.

Yeah I know okay, I wasn't supposed to be up but I'm not one to always follow rules so what...

4.50 I called Sarah to see if Sam was there. She said no and that he had left a while back and that he should be home by now.

5pm I saw red and blue lights in the driveway.

I walked to the door and saw Oliver and frank standing there.

At that point, with the look on their faces, I knew; my worst fear had actually come true...

My entire world had come crashing down. I was in such a shock that no tears even fell. Without even thinking I switched into cop mod; I started firing off question after question not really waiting for an answer. All I could think was, "How did it happen? Did they feel anything? Were they killed on impact? Where did it happen? Was it both of them? Can I see them?" My next thought was, "Why didn't I reply to Sam's last text and tell him how much I loved him?" They were my whole world after my dad passed 2 weeks after I had Stella. I stopped talking and looked at Oliver's eyes and felt nick hold me as I realized I was swaying. Ollie was crying. Deep down I knew I didn't need any of my questions answered because that was enough, the look in Oliver's eyes told me everything.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys sorry for the break within chapters this one was a lot harder to write, if there are mistakes sorry again I was writing while on a holiday last week and I wanted it to go up before I started my holiday this week. Thanks again to Bailey for proof reading it for me and everyone who read and review the first chapter. Please enjoy.

Time slowed, I didn't even know it was past midnight. The sun rose and I was in still in shock. I needed to get out, so I just ran, not having any plans, just ran and, ran with my gut and my whole heart leading me. Little did I know; I wouldn't be running back home. I remember just crashing on the side of the road 1km from the house. Time started again; I could hear cars rushing past and then a car door slam shut, and Frank and Nick were beside me before I knew it. Nick had lifted me up to try and put me in the car to get me home, but I had a panic attack. That's the only way I can explain how I felt. I couldn't breathe, it felt like the car was crashing in around me. I could hear Frank and Nick outside the car questioning how I knew and who told me. It wasn't until we got back to the house that I would find out what they meant. I was asleep before Frank started up the car.

I awoke in a bed which I would soon realize was Traci's room. She was sitting at the end of the bed really worried. I then again hear whispers coming from Traci about how I knew, who told me, and how I could have known where. As the baby starts kicking up a storm, I sit up to get more comfortable and startle Traci on accident who then immediately rushes over to hug me.

Maybe it's because I'm a cop who hates the quite, or a cop who hates not understanding and not having answers, but I couldn't hold my own questions back any longer. "Ok spill. First Frank then Nick now you whispering about 'how I knew,' what're you talking about Trace? What am I supposed to know about?" I asked getting a little stressed out. I rubbed my belly to calm Rookie down, and I'm sure if it wasn't for the baby, I would be up pacing around the room until I got the answers. I glace up between Nick and Traci. Nick snapped first.

"Ok Andy, please don't get upset. You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you." he starts with. "Nick seriously?! why would you start with that? "I'm not going to like it," well of course I'm not going to freaking like it if it's got something to do with the death of my everything so spit it out NOW." I snapped right back.

"Where Frank and I found you today Andy, it's where…its where.." "Oh God.." Traci butts in. "Andy, Sam and Stella were killed there yesterday, where they found you." She finishes for him. I knew it , I just knew that my gut had lead me there for a reason, but seriously, only a 1km away from the house. They were so close...

It's that one spot on the road you can't see from the house. I got up and headed to the balcony outside Traci's bedroom. It's the second place in this house that makes me feel safe and calm, the first being mine and Sam's bedroom. As I breathed in the salty air, a feeling of calm washes over me. I feel stronger for myself and for rookie, the last hope I have for my family. It's the hope I keep close to heart for the upcoming funeral next week. The hope that there will always be more, not always better, but more to life to experience and do and to be, I think as I wipe the last of my tears that I will shed until I lay my fiancée and daughter into the ground. I turn back into Traci's room and am suddenly wrapped into a hug from Leo, who im sure doesn't understand what everyone is crying about. He looks up with a few tears in his own eyes and said to me, the most true thing I'd heard in 34 hours, "Aunty Andy, life sucks."


	3. Chapter 3

This chapter broke my heart re living it , as the funeral we such a blurry to me , I actually got my family and friends to help me , the speeches are the actual speeches from the day , about my amazing fiancée Chris and beautiful daughter Stella, so it hit me hard as reading them as I don't really remember them from the day , if the first 3 chapters for this didn't hit you emotionally in one way or another , the last one I think will and it will be up by the end of this week I really hoping , its been the hardest to write and I still havn't come to terms with it myself yet almost a full year later. And for those who ask me , yes this all happen from the 23 of October 2012 to the 31 of October 2013 so yes all within a week I lost my world. Hope you enjoy and I love getting your review and sweet comments, they really do mean so much to me , and always thanks to Bailey for proof reading as it was hard to write it myself .

Enjoy

Over the next few days I didn't notice the difference between day and night, it all blended into one. I don't remember sleeping. I was forced to eat but eating didn't feel right anymore.

Friends and family from around the world were contacting me through every way possible, sending their love and support. I was thankful, but at the end of the day it didn't mean much because it wouldn't and couldn't bring Sam and Stella back.

It was the day of the funeral before I realized life kept going even though my world was lost nothing stopped. As Gail and Traci got me up, showered, and dressed for the day, I could only thank them all for everything, all the planning and support but saying "thank you" just didn't feel right. It just didn't seem like enough anymore.

I walked out into the living room to see a room full of bold bright colour clothes everyone was wearing. Not one of them was in black. I felt like I was at child's party, not going to the funeral. Without even asking, Nick hugged me and said, "Its because Stella hated black." I choked back a laugh and the tears started to rise. I. said, "Well she hated a lot of things, but the colour black was always up in the top 5." Frank added, "Andy we're not going to lay just a fellow copper, he was our friend first so that's why we aren't wearing our blues, but our badges, we all have today. Here's Sam's." As he held out a box too small to hold a badge, I took it and opened it with a gasp. It was a necklace with both mine and Sam's badge numbers on the platform the shape of a shield. Noelle said it was her idea she got one made for Traci when jerry passed away too.

I put it on as we all walked out the door, as I looked up the police cars were lined up ready to drive us to the church. I couldn't do it. I didn't even want today to happen; that meant it was going to be real. I was still waiting for Sam to jump out and say, "Surprise it was all a joke!"

Oliver was the only one who saw my face drop. He knew a breakdown was coming, and knowing the church was only a few streets away, he wrapped his arm around my waist and said, "McNally let's go for a walk."

Oliver was like Sam, in the way that he knew what was going on in my head before I said or did anything.

Rookie was kicking up a storm. He didn't know how to settle down. As a mom, I think he knew what was going on, but it upset me that he would never meet his dad, big sister, or brother.

As we walked the block that the church was on, he stopped kicking. As I saw the coffins being rolled into the church, down I went. It was just all to much for me. Stella's coffin was so tiny. My little girl would never get her first kiss, or get married and have her own kids.

All I really remember was saying, "Why why why..." As Oliver picked me up and carried me into the church, he whispered in my ear and said, "Andy we will never understand why, but god took them for a reason and he knew your were strong enough to cope with your crazy soon to be baby."

All I could think was "Seriously Oliver?! Is that the best answer you've got?" But I thanked him and before I knew it, Traci was on one side of me holding my hand and Nick is on the other as the service is starting.

I really don't remember much of it. Oliver and Frank spoke about Sam's time as a rookie, him in training, the many times he had freaked out at work when he found out I was pregnant with Stella, the change in him when I actually had her, the stress over losing our son Ben only a few months before, and the worry he had that I was going to say no when he finally asked me to marry him.

"The day Andy told Sam he was going to be a father again, he came into the station like he was on cloud 9. If you were smart and could do the math to work out the date she got pregnant on, well it was around his 30th birthday. I remember Sammy saying, "If I die tomorrow, I'll know how lucky I am. My soon to be wife is the most amazing woman and mother in the entire world." Ollie said, and only for Frank to add, "About 3 weeks ago I'm sure everyone in 15 divison can remember Swarek running into the station screaming after lunch." I was up in my office and I actually thought he'd been shot, only to hear from him that McNally was having a boy, "Nothing was going to bring him down. He asked for 3 days off. He was going to make his SON his own nursery."

Oliver added in, "It was only a week later that McNally and Sam asked me if they could name their son after me. Sam said, and I quote, 'Oliver, my brother, it would be an honor if we could name our son after you. I mean you've been there since day one. You've always been team McSwarek, and in saying that will you be his God Father?' I couldn't really say no then because if you know Sammy, he's a man of few words."

As they finished up, there were a few more laughs and tears around the church. Gail and Traci got up to talk about my baby girl, Stella. They were her God Mothers, along with Jerry and Chris, her God Fathers.

Traci started with, "If you knew this little girl like us, you knew that she only hated 5 things: the colour black, jeans, long car rides, not being able to spend time with her daddy every day, and sleep. She was a daddy's girl from day one. She had Sam wrapped around her little finger; anything she wanted, Sam would give it to her. She hated being away from him for longer than she really needed to be, and I'm sure if she could come to work with him ,we all know she would. She loved the energy of the station and all the people, and new faces and noises. We were sure she would become a copper when she was older. She was a little girl who never, and I do say never, stopped asking questions, just like her mommy. She always asked "Why? and How?" She wanted to know everything she could. Most parents would say its what their kids did too. I remember Leo was the same way, but it was like Stella really and truly needed to know like it was a life or death question."

As Traci passed the mic over to Gail, she started with, "How are you?" It was the question that no matter how many times Miss Stella would see you each day, she would ask, like it affected her life to hear you weren't okay.

Nick made this mistake just after Andy lost Ben in May. Stella came into the living room after breakfast and we were sitting there drinking coffee on our day off, and she said, "Uncle Nick, How are you?" "I'm ok. I'm getting there." BAM! Wrong answer! We all looked at him because we knew what was going to come next. "Uncle Nick, why're you 'getting there?'" I'm sure at 22 months old she didn't really understand what Nick meant anyway, but she sat with him for more than 2 hours asking how she could help him get there. She didn't understand what he was dealing with; Andy miscarrying Ben. That wouldn't be the last time she did that, but we all remembered to keep our mouths shut and say we were great.

Now what Traci was saying before Gail continued, "Stella was a Daddy's girl. That was until Andy got pregnant with Ollie. Stella wouldn't leave Andy's side because in Stella's words Andy "grew more" and Stella missed it. She was so happy she was getting a baby brother because she was too young to understand the last time."

As the speeches wrapped up, the photos and songs started playing. I was breathing slowly, and it was like I could feel Sam holding me and like I could hear Stella's laughing. It was hope that it would all be ok in the end.

Little did I know that in just a few days it wasn't going to be….


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey guys, so this has been the hardest chapter to write; I felt like I really needed to finish not only this chapter but the full story before the one year anniversary of the crash came around. So I would love to thank everyone for reading and commenting on this story it really means a lot._

_Thanks again to Bailey for proof reading and editing the whole story. So here we go with the last chapter about my crazy year._

_Special two by Missy Higgins._

I was never was a big fan of Halloween. As a child Mom wasn't around to make me costumes and neither was Dad. He was either working at the station or finding himself at the bottom of a bottle. So at the age of 9 I stopped caring and trying, and this year was even harder without Sam and Stella here. I had the joy of dressing her up as a ladybug last year and taking her around the station to get candy with Traci's son Leo, even though Sam and I ate it all in the end!

Leo had been talking about his cool new costume that Sam had bought him 2 weeks ago. He was so excited to be a zombie this year, with the fake blood and everything! I was lying down on the couch in the living room watching Traci help him get ready for school the day before the night of gathering to see much candy he, Dov, and Chris could get.

Baby Ollie had been very active for the past week with a few moments of rest which was healthy for him, so much like me in that way; always go go go. In reality though it really just made me so tired. I was a day off from reaching 21 weeks. Frank had given me the rest of the pregnancy off because he knew my head wouldn't be on work. It was the same way with Stella, but back then I got to work in the station right up until having her.

It was coming up to midday, Traci had brung home soup from the weekly shopping she and Nick did. He helped her bring it in. As I was sitting up to eat I felt a sharp pain in my back, thinking it was nothing because I got pains like this all the time. I turned, and with Nick's help I got up to go sit at the table to try and be normal.

Half way through lunch I'd notice I hadn't felt ollie kick which wasn't normal for him at all because I logged his movements in my phones notes. I asked Traci to grab my phone as I started to feel a great deal of pressure in my lower stomach. As she got back with my phone everything just stopped feeling right; I could feel myself getting light headed and really heavy. Nick rushed over with a wet towel for my head and a glass of water. He told me to keep just keep breathing. Traci must've seen my phone and told Nick what I had been thinking. Ollie hadn't moved since the night before, a full 18 hours.

I had calmed down, but I felt like I needed to relieve myself of tons of pressure. So with the help of getting up and to the toilet, I sat down only to look down and see blood in my panties, it wasn't much but I wasn't going to take any chances with this pregnancy. So I got up, cleaned myself up, and walked out to tell Nick and Traci to get me to the hospital immediately. I wanted to get Ollie checked out. It was my gut feeling and they do say a mother knows best, that I don't know something wasn't right. I needed the proof that he was okay before I could calm down enough to feel safe and my normal self again.

It's amazing what can happen with one look of the badge. Shaw and Dov were there waiting to speak to a witness, and with the look on Nick and Traci's faces, it helped get me through and checked faster.

It was now 2.15pm, on Halloween afternoon. As I was lying on the table waiting for the gel to be put on my belly for my ultrasound, the pressure came back. The only way I can explain what I was feeling was that it felt like labour, like I needed to push. As the nurse waved the wand over my belly I could see Ollie there, but then the words that no one was expecting to hear were, "I'm Sorry Miss McNally, but your son has no heartbeat. I'm sorry but it seems that you've had a miscarriage. By the looks of it, it happened to be around 24-48 hours ago. I'll give you some time to deal with this, and again I'm sorry." said the nurse as she walked away.

I felt nothing. I again, was all by myself; my family in every way possible was gone. Yes I had my work family, but at the moment I didn't care. I could hear Traci trying to come in, not knowing if she should. As she popped her head in I looked at her and she just knew, she knew Ollie was gone.

There wasn't anyone who could say anything that bring my kids and Sam back, and that's what really hit me the hardest, it was that I couldn't even keep my kids alive. I was a cop, I was meant to keep them safe and alive. As the nurse and my OB/GYN came in Traci stayed with me while they gave me my options for moving forward. I knew what would happen because I just went through this, only it 6 months before with Baby Ben, and because I was only 21 weeks, there were only 2 ways it could go: to miscarry naturally (expectant management) but it could take up to 10 weeks and in my head, that was wrong. The second option was to have a D&C procedure, which was what I decided on. I knew what was going to happen, and how quick it would happen because it was only a one day surgery. It was the best option for me.

Once I looked at Traci, my OB/GYN knew what I had chosen. She walked out while the nurse got me ready to move into a private room so they could prep me for the surgery. As far as I knew it was just Traci and I who knew what was happening. I told Traci to fill everyone in when I went into surgery, and if someone could remove the baby items in my room so there wouldn't be any in there when I got home. I just knew I wouldn't be able to handle seeing anything that reminded me of baby Ollie, Sam, or Stella.

The Nurse came in and got me ready for the IV, just personally speaking I think it's the worst part of the procedure because I hate needles. I was told, as they wheeled me down to the OR, that they just put a sedative in my IV to relax me, but it made my mind go places I didn't want it to go, it was going out the wahzoos, it also made me think that it was meant to happen this way. In my messed up mind maybe I wasn't meant to have Ben or Ollie without Sam, and both miscarriages were part of the whole making sure I wouldn't have them without Sam. These thoughts completely stopped when they moved me to over to the table and offered me the option of a general anesthesia or the IV anesthesia, but since I just wanted it all to be over, I asked for it to be in the IV.

As I was floating away into my own world ,I could see my dad and Sam playing with my kids and Ollie joining them , though Sam didn't look to happy to see him ,I guess it was his way to tell me he wasn't happy I wasn't looking after myself. I really wasn't sure how to keep going now seeing them as a family up there maybe it was where I was ment to be.

I don't really remember much after that. I just felt disappointed like, I just yet again failed as a mother, a fiancée, and a daughter; but most of all as a human being. I really didn't think I deserved to be here anymore.  
Waking up was hard, with no pain meds the cramping was seriously painful. It felt like my insides where being ripped out, 1000 times worse then any period cramping I've ever experienced. I didn't realize I was crying until I was pulled into a hug from Nick and Shaw. I remember just saying over and over again, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry.", before I fell asleep again, from being so tired and completely drained.

When I woke up again it was just traci and my doctor in the room. They didn't know I was awake yet and they were talking about what was next for me. I remember there wasn't much more I could or needed to do other rest, sleep, and no crazy amount of moving around. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and never wake up.

Within 6 hours of awaking up I was released and sent home. I have no true memory of this or the days after, but before I knew it was the 1st of December, a full month had passed. I had decided to resign from the police force to work on myself. In the past month I had thoughts about killing myself twice, both times Leo and Nick had walked into my room mid thought, so they quickly past, thankfully. I wasn't really dealing well at first, but now I'm better than I was 2 weeks ago. I was told each day I would get stronger and stronger. December was always a start of new beginnings in this house. This year was no different.

Gail and Nick had spilt. It was a joint decision. Gail was now dating an amazing woman named Holly. That meant Nick was around the house more, and with me not working anymore we were getting closer as friends.  
Traci is now dating Gail's brother Steve and it looks promising. She's so happy and so is Leo. He's growing like a weed. He already loves Steve like he did Jerry, but no one will ever replace Jerry. Chris and Dov are even more like brothers, both now T.O.s Dov is dating Frank's Goddaughter Chloe now, she is a nut ball, but she brings some liveliness into the house.  
Oliver has resigned from the force now, but is teaching at the academy. But something's never change; he still doesn't like paying for his own coffee or lunch.. Oh Oliver!

As we all gathered around to decorate the tree and house , I plugged in my iPod and press shuffle. "Special Two" came on. It was a song I had written and recorded with Nick's help a week after the crash and miscarriage happened. I looked around the room, everyone was holding on to their person. I had truly lost mine, but at the end of the day….Time will heal and help the pain; and time will always keep going…

_As I have said before its been a full year since this all happened the 23 of October 2012, I lost my world. My fiancée, Chris, and my daughter, Stella. On the 31 of October 2012 I lost my son. This story is real. Its real life and I'm not saying there is just one way to deal with a loss this big , I'm not. _  
_But a year on I'm doing great , I just met this amazing guy G, and his 32 and got 3 amazing kids ,8 year old daughter and 2 sons 4 and 18 months ,its only been just over 5 weeks but we are planning a future together as we both know life is way to short to say what if…. Oh and bailey is awesome. Btw. follow her on twitter bhargrovee_


End file.
